Halfpints Point: SummerSlam!!

WOOOO I’m back and its my time of the month. PAY PER VIEW TIME!!!! Yes I’m excited!!!! Keila also sends her best wishes but is still grieving over the fact that her Falcons lost to a team that got shut out in the preseason moving. Its Eight Exciting Matches 3 titles up for grabs (out of a possible 5). Lets get to the action!!

Hey its the WWE Pre-Show!! Rene looks dazzling in her UT like Orange dress very loverly!!

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Pre-Show Match Rob Van Dam vs Cesaro

Its not like there’s 2 more titles ( like the US OR TAG titles) up for grabs lets get the high flyer something to do. Then again Since the Usos ended with The Wyatts they’ve been given nothing to do. Sheamus in the same boat. Cesaro’s got new music and wears a towel on his head like Taz . . . please change both. These two have been wrestling off and on since Wrestlemania. Cesaro dominates of course to the first break where they show the vid for Cena Lesnar. Seriously commercial breaks during the kickoff? Van Dam takes it outside EXTREMELY (hey its RVD so automatic ECW Reference). Cesaro keeps preventing RVD from going to the top rope. RVD tries 3 times and finally nails the Five Star Frog Splash for the win. Does it mean anything?? Well its another win in the column.

Some guy named Jake Tucker is being interviewed by the Panel. A: Who the Fuck is Jake Tucker? or B: WHO GIVES A SHIT??

Hey its That Hulk Hogan guy. He comes out and talks about the WWE Network (how much is it again I have no idea). Great Opening Vid AS ALWAYS!! Always lovely to see Paige (Hey happy Birthday by the way!!)

20140804_LIGHT_SS_matches_MizZiggler_Sponsered_HOMEPAGEThe Miz vs Dolph Ziggler: IC Title 

The Miz comes out First and talks about being Hollywood himself. Hey where’s his wife? Seriously Where his wife if I had a wife like Miz I’d flaunt that like nobody’s business.

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Ziggler comes out next. The Workhorse of the WWE. The most Awesome guy in the ring so far. Miz of course protecting his face. Dolph Ziggler is a really great guy. He once sold a house to his realtor. Miz Dominates and Ziggler starts to come back. Ziggler skins the cat and tries to go for the Chris Adams Superkick misses to a 2 count. WOW SLAP TO MIZ’S MONEYMAKER. That’s what you get for going for a terrible Figure 4. Seriously Greg Valentine NOW has a better Figure 4. Oh shit he locked it in anyway. Ziggler got to the ropes and broke the count. Skull Crushing ITS OVER 2. .. NO ITS NOT OVER. ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAGG 3 COUNT HE DOES IT ZIGGLER WINS THE IC TITLE!!! Hey look at Miz’s wife . . . he didn’t really lose much.

Hey they remind us of NOC in Nasvhille!! I’ll get to that later guys

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AJ Vs Paige: WWE Divas Championship 

PAAAAIIIIGGGGEEEEEEE. She has come out of her shell and done SOO well since Wrestlemania (not good enough to get in the game though . . . wait DLC?? Ok why not). Its always fantastic to see her. Yes I’m kinda biased soo??

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Happy Birthday by the way

Aj comes out and of course so does the CM Punk Chants. They start the match by Aj pulling Paige’s hair and trying to bite her. Actually the hair pulling takes up most of the match. Aren’t both of these ladies WRESTLERS??? sorry Aj pushes Paige off the top rope and on to the floor. AJ LEE BODYPRESS TO THE FLOOR . . .that was awesome!! Paige and Aj get back in the ring. Kick by Paige. Black Widow by AJ!! SHE COUNTERS WITH THE RAMPAGE AND SHE WINS IT!!!!! Wait we’ve had 2 titles change tonight . . . when’s the last time that happened??

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Jack Swagger Vs Russev: Flag Match

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LANA (oh yea her guy Russev) Takes on the Pride of the United States Jack Swagger With Dirty Dutch Zeb Coulter. If Jim Ross was here we’d get the spiel on how Swagger and Russev are both Hosses (Swagger from OU of course, Russev probably from University of Moscow) Swagger gets the Color Guard out . . .Hell yea. So the match is like this the winner has his respectful flag wave over the ring. Its exactly how NOT a Flag match is supposed to be but its WWE so they say F*CK the rules. Russev tries to start before the bell and Swagger puts him in the Ankle lock. He hurts Russev’s ankle. Referee rings the bell and Swagger goes for the leg. Russev gets out of the ring Swagger chases him in rinse and repeat a bit. Russev counters the Swagger bomb. Russev goes for the ribs which were hurt before. Russev now goes for the ribs again. BELLY TO BELLY both men are down. Swagger gets the momentum and a Swagger bomb for a two count. Russev goes for a superkick SWAGGER COUNTERS WITH THE ANK- Russev breaks the count BOMB BY SWAGGER two count. Russev goes for the Accolade (Camel Clutch). Russev can’t get up on his ankle. Goes for a modified version of it ANKLE LOCK ANKLE LOCK. Russev gets the ropes HEEL KICK?!?!?!?!? why not. Russev goes for the Accolade again. Swagger is fading away not taping but passes out. Swagger didn’t tap but he did pass out. Russev kicks Coulter down. I’m half expecting Hogan or Duggan. I’m not kidding youse kids. They play the Russian National Anthem and Raise the Russian Colors.

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Seriously they couldn’t come up with a Steel Cage or Extreme Rules. A Lumberjack match?? Wait why am I complaining? We get to see this match legit!! I know I have my moments kids. The ring is surrounded by everyone else who didn’t make the PPV. Hey its the Tag Champs. They’ve also been “victims” of the Shield. Dean Ambrose takes his time getting to the ring. They start out brawling. Rollins tries to get out He gets chased back in by the lumberjacks. Cloverleaf by AMBROSE!! Rollins gets the upperhand and tosses Ambrose out only for Ambrose to get beaten by the lumberjacks. They both go in and brawl some more. Ambrose and Rollins SUPLEX TO THE ENTIRE LUMBERJACKS taking them out. They start to brawl all over its Pier 6. Ambrose getting tossed back in the ring SUICIDE DIVE TO ALL THE LUMBERJACKS HE CLIMBS THE TABLE TAKES OUT ROLLINS. This is supposed to be a Lumberjack match and its outside the ring ALL OVER THE PLACE. Hey its unmasked Kane (did he not get his Mask Privileges back?) Rollins tries to leave the building but theres the USOS and Stardust hey there’s Big E. Both men are being dragged by the Lumberjacks back to the ring. AMBROSE THE TOP ROPE BODY PRESS TO EVERYONE!!! Kane looks annoyed. Ambrose goes for dirty deeds ENZUGURI. Ambrose rebounds with a inside out clothesline for a two count. THIS IS AWESOME Chants going around (nice to see LA can wake up unlike ATL) CURB STOMP BY DEAN AMBROSE FOR A THREE -Kane breaks it up Goldust gets a uppercut and here’s a Clusterfuck Pier 6 brawl everyone’s fighting. Wait where’s Rollins? There he is BRIEFCASE TO THE FACE and a Three Count.

 

20140728_LIGHT_SS_matches_Jericho-Bray_homepage_sponsorChris Jericho vs Bray Wyatt 

Strange is the night where black stars rise,And strange moons circle through the skies,But stranger still is Lost Carcosa.

Not only did Jericho return but Bray Wyatt found his next target and it was beautiful.
Bray spoke eloquently his case to Jericho and it was beautiful.
Jericho spoke simple and efficient and it was beautiful.
They had a match before and it wasn’t so beautiful.

Now its the rematch and Bray Wyatt is All Alone. Jericho’s jacket lights up different colors . . .good for him. Jericho takes it early to Bray till it goes out side and Bray hits him on the steps. The Fans start to sing to the Maestro that is Bray Wyatt. They go back and forth more than most people’s parents ENZUGURI From Jericho for a 1 count. Really pinning for a one count this isn’t Texas 1962. Wyatt lays on the offense and laughs like he always does. Jericho starts to come back and Wyatt ruins it. Wyatt goes for Sister Abagail Jericho with a roll up. Going for the Walls of Jericho and Locks it in!! Wyatt gets out DDT RIGHT ON THE APRON. Jake Roberts would be proud. Bray gets a 2 count for his troubles. Wow HURRICANRANA by Jericho Two count. WYATT CRAB WALKS BACKWARDS AND STATES THAT HE CANNOT BE HURT. JERICHO WITH A CODEBREAKER Two Count. Jericho tosses Wyatt out and WYATT TAKES JERICHO OUT SISTER ABAGAIL ON THE BARRICADE (Hey isn’t that what he did to Daniel Bryan?) Fans are split more so than torn pants. Wyatt goes for Sister Abagail again. NAILS IT DEFIANTLY FOR A THREE COUNT. Wyatt leads us in singing the hymn he’s got the Whole World in his hands. . .Tonight he does

Song of my soul, my voice is dead,Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed Shall dry and die in Lost Carcosa.

Jericho had a coat of many colors it was beautiful
Wyatt had his thumb taped up it was beautiful
Both men fought hard to change each other’s lives it was beautiful
Wyatt now has the Whole World in his hands. . . And brings new beauty

 

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Brie Bella vs Stephanie McMahon
Look the way this match is going I have just one thing to say
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Unfortunately though the last name of one of the opponents is McMahon so ok then. Wait. . . .Screen Shot 2014-08-17 at 8.41.39 PM
Well . . .Just use your imagination kids
OK seriously I’m calling this match?? Steph takes it to Brie . . .shit I’ve seen this porno. Brie goes for the Labell lock she then tries to go for a suicide dive and Steph takes her down. Ref starts to count and Brie gets back in before the 10 count. DDT Stephanie just wears out Brie. . .Am I describing a match or a porn scene you describe? Brie fights back which angers Master Stephanie. BRIE WITH A LOU THESZ PRESS. . .Did I just call a LOU Thesz Press?? interesting. Steph just gets more mad and more mad like a Dom does. Hey theres the Sub I mean HHH Wait there’s Nikki cause who to counter a submissive man than a silicone woman. BRIE BELLA WITH THE WORST LABELL LOCK THAN HBK. Triple H takes out the Referee. BRIE DROPKICK TO HHH Nikki just stares on. Steph Crawls around the ring. Nikki and Brie have Steph in their crosshairs. Steph looks like Michelle PFiefer at the end of Batman retr- NIKKI JUST TURNED ON BRIE NIKKI JUST TURNED ON BRIE- seriously IS THIS A PORNO??? STEPH WITH THE PEDIGREE (Chyna Style) Three Count for the win.
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Roman Reigns vs Randy Orton 
The interesting thing is them point out the fact its his biggest match As a singles competitor. Hey another mention of NOC in Nashville. (We’ll get to that) Randy and Reigns brawl till Reigns takes Orton outside. They get back in and Orton headlocks Reigns. These two fight to the . . .emptiness of the crowd. SUPERPLEX BY ORTON. Wow that was cool and got . . .nothing by the crowd. SERIOUSLY IS THIS A HHH LESNAR CALIBER MATCH??? Reigns gives Orton a Headlock and Orton POWERS OUT. Seriously this match is drawing nothing. This Crowd is like Atlanta on a daily basis. Reigns starts to come back TOP ROPE SAMOAN DROP!!! Reigns signaling the SUPERMAN PUNCH. Orton needs Kryptonite or Batman . . .he gets neither but a punch. Reigns waiting like a hungry Bull and he goes for the SPEEAAAAAA- POWERSLAM TWO COUNT and the crowd goes . . . eh. Orton goes for the Apron DDT and nails it. Orton signals for the RKO. Reigns swings over the ropes RKO RKO RKO FOR A TWO COUNT. Orton’s got the crowd behind him . . .I’m serious. Orton now only knowing he has to do one thing. Its not too early to see a Football style PU- REIGNS COUNTERS SPEAAAARRRRRR THREE COUNT!! Reigns gets the win and has the momentum that Daniel Bryan had last year . . .hmmmmm
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John Cena vs Brock Lesnar: WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Lesnar has defeated the Best, Giants, and even a mythical God. . .but he hasn’t defeated Cena Will he?

The Challenger comes out first followed out by his associate. Heyman is forming himself to be the greatest manager of all time. His Client is a Mercenary best word to describe it. He admits it even.

The Champion defiant comes out while most people don’t back him up you can’t deny his passion his heart and his love for the business. Cena knows what time it is no time for silly games no time for silly catch- Oh c’mon Cena really plugging the rag?? Ruining my lil vibe I got going for ya.

They do traditional Style Ring announcing with Justin Roberts doing his best Michael Buffer Impersonation (heard him on Dan Patrick’s radio last week nice guy) The Bell rings CENA TAKES IT FIRST Lesnar gives it back. Both men grapple each other LESNAR F-5 TWO COUNT. Lesnar and Heyman exchange smiles. Lesnar tells Cena that he will K–L him (seriously does PG mean anything anymore?? Please think of the kids) Lesnar gives a German Suplex and Lesnar is just toying with the Champion. Another German suplex Hackenschmidt would be proud. Cena tries to fight back but Lesnar laughs it off. Lesnar with a traditional Suplex to Cena. CENA GOES FOR SOME OFFENSIVE FLURRIES Lesnar with a knee, and another one. Lesnar now going for a modified headlock. Cena elbows the ribs of Lesnar. Lesnar tosses Cena down like a rag doll. Cena’s gasping for air those ribs have to be damn near broken. He barely makes it to his feet launches some offense and gets taken down. Rinse and Repeat. Lesnar STEPS on Cena’s hand. Another German to Cena, and another, and another, HEY ISN’T THERE A TKO RULE IN WWE??? NO ok then the match continues. Its Lil Naitch Charles Robinson in the ring so it won’t end so quick. Lawler still believes in him . . .I’m sure his ex-wives believes in his alimony checks. Lesnar has given more German Suplexes than Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, and Daniel Bryan combined. Ref goes to Cena, since he’s Super Cena wearing Hogan’s Colors he refuses to quit. Guess what kind of Suplex he does again??? C’mon. . . its not a Dragon or Tiger. Cena starts to fight back LESNAR GOES FOR THE F- CENA WITH THE AA TWO COUNT. Both men are down, and its a safe bet that both men have used their resiliency (WWE 2k14 reference) Lesnar gets back up quickly and is still pumped up. Cena looks tired Lesnar wants Cena get up. LESNAR GETS UP TAKER STYLE. LESNAR POUNDS CENA MMA STYLE YOU WOULD THINK THAT BROCK WOULD HAVE MMA EXPERIENCE (oh wait). Lesnar backs off and says he’s just getting started. Heyman wants Cena to quit. Lesnar German Suplexes again and again. Layfeld with a Savior reference wanting Lesnar to stop it. Ok does Lesnar know anything else other than a German??? There have been more German Suplexes than I’ve had sex in my life. . . .Than more hours I’ve watched Wrestling . . .than inches I walked to meet Daniel Bryan . . .combined. CENA WITH THE STF (Well its called the STFU but they’re supposed to be “PG”). LESNAR gets out and punches Cena HE GOES FOR ANOTHER F-5 THREE COUNT.
Lesnar has defeated Kings, The Best, Giants, and even a Mythical God. . . He has now Defeated John Cena to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. 
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That was actually better than Wrestlemania!! Really awesome to watch!! Ok Some New Business to attend
1. James Thomasson will be debuting on this fantastic site THIS WEEK With a fantastic article on the previous World Champion John Cena. 
2. Yes Night of Champions will be in Nashville and I’m debating on whether or not I’m going to go. Work and also the fact I don’t have a ticket is stopping me at the moment. Might even be a last minute decision. Ah well such is life. Hope you enjoyed this it was as fun to write as it was to watch tonight. 

 

 

 

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